Thursday, July 9, 2015

Folding the fitted sheets.

The children are playing in the laundry, so far they have showed enough restraint to stay away from my folded piles and are currently rolling in the pile of fitted sheets that I always put off till last.  Meticulous work that is not creative bothers me, and fitted sheets seem to embody that kind of work for me.  They don't take long and once they are done the laundry pile shrinks impressively, but it always takes a while to get to it.  Perhaps that is a good analogy for what is happening within.  I am finally touching the parts of me that I have been constantly setting aside, avoiding, preferring other things over.  It interesting how people respond when you start doing the deep work, those responses trigger emotions and memories that seemed long forgotten.  I I am trying to journal more to work through these thoughts, this blog in an extension of that, no more.  I don't do it for likes or comments, but rather for myself.  Sifting through thoughts and emotions, I have been tempted to stop this public sifting, but I believe that there is something to transparency.  That perhaps one of the personal things that I share might resonate with someone else and let them know that are not alone in their journey.  There is an ungaurdedness in this, which for me is big.  Those of you who truly know me know how infrequently I share my emotions, it is protective response to things long past, but something I have not been able to shake.  I see danger in emotion that left unchecked, to open myself wide is to leave unguarded the tender spots.  This is why I must be transparent, to open wide and not fear.  Sideways glances have always gotten to me, I am a straight talker, and the idea of muffled tones bothers me.    I watch my children as they play, they have not learned that skill yet.  They are honest and sweet.  Zeke is gone this week and I miss him, but I think that Leif misses him more.  Everyday he asks when Zeke will be home.  Theirs is not the love/hate relationship that some siblings have, just love.  I am grateful for this, and pray that it continues to be this way.  Please remember:  "This blog is merely a creative outlet for my soul. A journal posted to the public. This may not meet your expectations, but I do hope that you can go on this journey with me as I attempt to give light to the inner dialog of my mind and share openly the state of my heart. Be gentle."

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