Friday, September 5, 2014
Getting ready to leave for the weekend. Up north, hometown, small town, harvest fest, might even check out the football game. I never thought that I would be here, looking forward to being back. You may say that no one fits-in in high school, every one is odd. But let me tell ya, I didn't fit in, not just in the "she doesn't party" way, or the "she goes to that weird pentecostal church" way, but in almost every way conceivable. We graduated in the "Football is life!" time, everyone was an athlete (or at least it felt that way). Organized sports and I have never gotten along. Having me play basketball was like watching a train wreck. I came in last in the 2 mile every single track meet for an entire season, and had the distinct privilege of being on B team volleyball my senior year. I breathed art, loved the odd ones out, and spoke openly about Jesus. For years the idea of seeing the guys from my graduating class made my stomach hurt. I was the running joke, people would get teased that they liked me, and I was not afforded my first name. I was Wieditz, weed-whacker, weed, wee-tits, you name it. I just didn't fit, and even though I consider myself a country girl at heart lets be serious I definitely wouldn't fit now. But that doesn't bother me anymore, I realized the reason I didn't fit was because I belonged in a different puzzle. And when that revelation came I saw my teenage years differently. Yes I was the odd one out, but also kept myself out. Its not a bad thing, it is just the way it was. Just like my classmates were not bad people at the time, they were just teenagers trying to figure life out as well. I genuinely look forward to seeing people this weekend. The benefit of growing up in a small town is that you never forget each other and like it or not you always have heart ties. And while I still may need to take a deep breathe before talking to the guys and remind myself that we have all grown up, I know that my validation does not need to come from this place and that sets me free to enjoy it all the more. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
I have been thinking. Thinking about all of the violence that happens, and how it inflames our personal biases. A tragedy happens, lives are lost, and suddenly it is the newest platform in social media. Everyone jumps on with an opinion of who is right, who is wrong, and why it all went bad. The days after a tragedy make me shudder as I read my news-feed. It is a direct reflection of what is wrong with us, with humanity. Instead of uniting in grief and repentance, asking forgive and seeking reconciliation. We point, we point at anyone who is "against us", who doesn't align with our world view. The story of a scape goat is as old as human kind. We try to simplify the problem to more money, less guns, more guns, less cops, trusting cops, and so on. These things are merely bandages, our ailment goes much deeper. We are broken. First humanity didn't listen, then we hid, then we lied, and then we killed our brother. How we must tear at Gods heart. It would be as if a parent watched one of their beloved children kill another over a disagreement, and then that child try to validate his actions. There is no validation for killing another human being. Period. As long as we continue to convince ourselves that we have the right, the authority to decide when another human being lives or dies, we will continue to spiral out of control. We need a heart transplant, not a bandage. We need new eyes to see people as valuable, loved and someones baby. I look at Fern and see the way God must see. I weep to think of how many times Cain and Able have been replayed before his eyes over and over again. They were brothers, they were family, they are us. God forgive us.