Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The rubber meets the road and suddenly good intentions and ideals are hard to find. The balancing act begins between life and idealism. Something must give. A choice must be made. A perfect parent never has existed, only broken people doing there best with what they have. But best is never good enough. Either you are a helicopter or negligent. Abusive or dismissive. A pushover or a dictator. Heaven forbid if you spank, give your kids sugar or tell the "because I said so". Our generations' fears and wounds played vicariously through the lives of our children. Trying to fix the wrongs done to us by overprotecting them. I do not want to give my past that kind of power in my life, to parent out of fear. I choose rather to parent out of joy and hope, and not to burden my children with the wounds of my past. I choose to parent in reality rather then the myth of perfection that is so unattainable. Creating a feeling of inferiority at every mistake. I would rather live a genuine life with my children (repenting when needed), then live a sheltered life where nothing is ever risked, and my children are unable to cope with the realities of this world. I love them too much. And so I will not always try to fix things, but I will be there for them as they deal with disappointment. I will not hover on the playground, but will be ready with the band-aides. I will try to give them home cooked food on a regular basis, but I wouldn't be a sugar-nazi. I will freely hug, forgive, and tell them that I love them no matter what. I will occasionally spank, I will not spank while angry. I will try to explain, teach, redirect, play, and interact. But I will not sacrifice my sanity for answering "Why" 50 times a day. I will ask for advice from those whom I respect. I will not take crap from random strangers in the grocery store who do not know me or my child. I will pray for my children. I will tell them about Jesus. I will try my best to live a life worthy of my faith. And when I can't I will ask for forgiveness. I will not pretend to be anything that I am not. I will be genuine with my children, I will let them see me sad, angry, happy, and proud so that they are able to see how their actions and choices affect others. I will not parent out of fear, I will trust that God is good and that his grace is sufficient. I will jump off the tightrope of this life and take my kids for a hike in the woods. There is no such thing as balance or the myth of idealism. There is only reality, doing the best with what you have and surrendering the rest.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
It has been one of those days. Nothing of note that should trigger the avalanche of emotion hidden beneath the surface. Trying to keep a calm demeanor and not let on. Yet it has been one of those days. Deep breathing followed by jaded thoughts, aimed at everyone and no one. One of those days where I can not explain what I am feeling because I don't even know what it is. Typical woman, the phrase makes my mouth sour and my brain explode. That I may be behaving in a typical way that gives precedence for stereotypes that mar women as emotional, unattainable, and not being able to be fully understood. And yet it has been one of those days where I barely understand myself, and fear for Andrews life every time he opens his mouth. Poor soul, not him, just me. If only the catalyst were known to me. Perhaps I do know but am unwilling to put words to it. Admitting that something so seemingly insignificant could have such a tole on my demeanor smacks of weakness and kills me inside. That I would seek such trite forms of validation, recognition? I do not seek the praise of man, and yet I lap up the words all at once and internalize them or rather the lack of them. Words have power, whether present or absent. Sometimes the lack of them can hurt all the more. Perhaps it is for the best that this day just end in the hopes that tomorrow will not be one of those days.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Tired of the empty rhetoric, posturing for control with words. Not convincing anyone due to the lack of substance in your step. What if we just shut our mouths? What if we stopped posturing, looking for control? Just give it up. Why do we try to control that which we obviously have no control over? I don't want to fight you, I just want to love you and show you that for me this is reality. You may not agree. I will still love you. This world can be a terrifying place when you are alone. No one should be alone, everyone needs someone in their corner. I want to be in your corner, not fighting against you but rather with you. Actually not fighting at all, because no peace has come from the exchange of blows. No change of heart can come from domination. I loathe the war analogies. I will not fight those who do not agree with me. Rather lets go for a walk together and I will let my steps and actions replace my words.
Friday, March 14, 2014
The white witch is dead and with her demise comes a sigh of relief from my inmost parts. Permission to smile, laugh, gaze and dream begins to flood my soul again. Awake daughter, do not hang your head with the dark, cold, long winter nights. Look to the sun, feel it, drink it in. Water and air for the soul. Wash away the debris, the discarded remains of a hard year. Fling wide the windows, open your eyes and see the fresh, new life springing forth. Beauty for ashes. From death to resurrection. The cycle of life may continue ever more, but pause this time, this very moment and set it aside in your heart to draw from for the next winter of your soul.