Tuesday, February 25, 2014


Out with the old, in with the new.  Why is new always best?  Cheap, prefabricated, pop together IKEA veneer.  Nothing sturdy, sound, and full of character.  Toss out the old, the feeble, the useless.  We want to be shiny, new, beautiful, perfectly aligned.  Quirky but not too odd, sticking out just enough to get noticed while keeping the boat steady.  Don't rock.  Just consume and groom.  Nothing more then a dime store one pop shop.  Take it and toss it, don't consider the losses.  A throw away society.  Throw away the marriages, the babies in their carriages.  Toss out the old, the useless, the bold.  Anything we don't like can take a hike.  And if you feel offended complacency is demanded.  Don't step on my toes, don't tell me I am wrong.  Don't value the old their time is come and gone.  A bigger lie has never been told then that of throwing out and devaluing the old.

Things I used to take for granted................

Peeing alone.

Long baths.

Late nights.

Sleeping in.

Hot coffee.

Alone time.


Date nights.

Clean hair.

Clean clothes.

A Clean house.

Things that I probably take for granted now......

A full house.


Spontanious hugs.

A full heart.

I am never bored.

Learning opportunities.

My husband.

My children.

The fact that I will never be alone.

Learning how to play again.

Seeing life through he eyes of a child.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Epic Fail

Sometimes you just fail.  Today was one of those days for me.  I got so caught up in the tasks at hand, and finally tackling the laundry mountain, that I forgot something.  It feels like that is my life right now.  One thing too many always on the plate, one thing too many falling off my plate. There are so many times that I wish that I could be everything that society is telling me to be, but my lack is far too great, maybe I need a bigger plate.  Sugar free 1st birthday cakes, jeans that make your ass look great, Trendy but not trying too hard, everything made from a mason jar.  Pinterest worthy home decor, being a girl worth fighting for.  Brains and looks and humble as pie, this can never be you and I.  Yet the blogs that tell me I am enough are hard for me.  Because what we don't want to admit is that sometimes we truly blow it.  There are days when I am not good, not even close, and saying your fine is not the answer.  I know my heart and where my faults lie.  There are days when I am not fine, good, loving or kind.  There are days when I am at my worst.  And while I wasn't at my worst today, I definitely was not at my best.  The fact is that I am not enough.  I never will be.  We are broken people in a broken world, and we are not fine.  Look at all that we touch and how we break them, we break people groups, we break ourselves.  We are not good.  I am not good.  And sometimes I need help, to look outside of myself and to say "God help me". 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


The timer buzzed and the rest of their breakfast went into the garbage.  Tired of raising my voice, tired of them not making a choice.  Tired of not having time to drink my coffee hot.  Drank it in the van while waiting for the bus in my pajamas.  Tired of my flannel pajamas.  Don't want to face the reality of my skinny jeans stretched over my body.  Flirting with a baby as she gets ready to sleep, she smiles and coos.  I smile back all while mulling over the impact of a global economy on 3rd world nations.  Who decided that they are third?  We know who is first, but who is second?  Deep thoughts for someone still in her nightgown.  Finally the baby is down and my coffee is cold.  Preparing a sermon for tonight.  Will I be bold enough to say what needs to be said in love?  Will I love even if what I say is openly rejected?  Only looking to reflect an image that is not mine, hoping for a little piece of the Divine.  Will I set a timer for myself?  Motivation to get dressed, to impress a room of youth.  External motivation, while irritating is essential for me.  Would be happy to do nothing but sit and drink coffee that is still hot.  Clean clothing in a pile on the floor, waiting, taunting, pointing out my lack of care.  If only someone would lay out my day for me, segments of life composed to make a whole.  I would scream and rebel.  And yet the timer was set this morning, motivation.  I don't want to yell.  I don't want to be late.  I just want them to freaking clean their plate.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Manipulating Media

The balance between loving and loathing, thinning the line one magazine article at a time.  The bipolar lens of who we should be, bombarded by images of femininity.  Buff this, tuck that and don't you dare be fat.  Buy this, eat that, its low calorie and low fat.  Nothing sagging, nothing bagging.  Green is the new means to make some green, absolutely obscene.  Trending, bending, extending, pretending who we want to be.  Come on people open your eyes, see the reality that lies within the lie that you must buy, buy, buy.  Nothing good, nothing right, don't you dare take another bite.  They don't care, don't dare, and will always compare something unattainable.  Physically unavailable.  Create the need, and they will financially succeed.   Nothing but greed.  Splenda coated so as not to get bloated.  Shove it away, not today.  I will not fill their financial bucket, and honestly they can suck it.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

There used to be a time................

There used to be a time when image was everything.  Fit in, don't fill out.  Clean pressed, and smartly dressed.  Missed opportunities of drinking in culture, speaking up, or stepping out.  Always wary of how it appeared, was perceived, was accepted.  Not wanting to be tossed away.  Yesterdays trend is tomorrows garbage, bought for a $1.99 at the local thrift store, though that isn't even local anymore.  Chain events and jacked up prices, selling one mans garbage and making a smart profit.  Passing it off as a local service, real do-gooders who serve themselves.  Profit is king in this urban market.  What value is a person, only what they can sell.  Biggest losers selling hope, Pinterest selling cut and paste creativity, Facebook and nostalgia.  Till all that appears is the same old, unique, one of a kind video.  Trip down memory lane, immortalizing the mortal images that it contains.  Calling back a time when image was everything, and we were young, unattached, and consumed with self.  The decay of man evident in our narcissistic visions where we are the sun, and all is centered on us.  My calling, my job, my family, my look, my vision, my dream.  My one chance in this mortal life.  A breathe and gone, a sigh and no more.  Never knowing exactly when life will shut the door.  And soon the images fade in the sun.  So important and temporary.  A culmination of nothing that matters, nothing of lasting impact and the everything that image was, now gone.  There used to be a time when image mattered, cluttering up the junk drawer, taking up space where useful things should be found.  Cleaning house, knick-nack, bricka-brack, dump out the drawer.  There is no space for this nonsense any more.