Tuesday, November 25, 2014
There are many things going on lately, most of them lying beneath the surface, quietly wrestling in my mind late into the night. Sleep does not come easily, and so I seek help to reach that wonderful rest. Running away from the internal ramblings of doctrine, racism, fellowship, worthiness, calling, balance, family and unrest. Many things could be said, probably should be said. Too many evening commitments until fellowship runs thin as I am not really there. Mainly I am tired. Tired of trying. Tired of making peace. Tired of worrying what others will think. Tired of weighing the ramifications of every word that I speak. Handsome husband gets the brunt of it, as he is the only one it is truly safe to fully express myself to. It is not fair to him or me. Something has to change. I don't know what. But this tiredness cannot continue. In the bad moments I am tempted to quit all my obligations outside of family and just rest. I enjoy my loved ones so much, I wonder what it would be like sometimes if my only focus was the relationships that I count dearest, husband, children, God, myself. What would that even be like? I am not sure, but I am tired.
Monday, November 24, 2014
I have grown accustomed to day old coffee, preserved in a jar in the fridge until it is called upon once again. Reheating it in the microwave, time and time again. The former barista in me shivers, but the tired mama in me is just grateful that there is such a thing as coffee. Yet another high standard dashed on the shores of motherhood, singleness being an unrealistic watermark for life after children. Those who have yet to walk this path may say "I would never..........." There are many things I thought I would never do, and things that didn't even occur to me as possible. I would never give my kids cake for breakfast (did it last week). I would never give into a tantrum (Ha!). I would never raise my voice, spank my child, use the word "No!", drink 7x reheated coffee, let them wear dirty clothes in public. Because of course I am SO much better at this then all the other moms out there. Unlike them I will have it together, never loose my temper, attain that mythical balance of the hot, cool, awesome mom who still has a social life with all of her single friends. Dear Lord, forgive me for ever thinking this way. I remember the judgement in my mind when I would see a mom with a dirty home, dirty kids or loosing her cool in public. Oh if only I could tell that single, childless, skinny 20 something that I used to be "Get over yourself!" It was nice for a time to be young and completely focused on myself, but that kind of narcissism cannot last. Marriage and children will knock it right out of you. As well it should. And there is one thing that I would truly never do.......... I would never go back.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Thoughts have been piling up in my brain lately, just getting to sorting them. Like the abandoned laundry pile that has been moved to the guest room. I toss them carelessly into the corner waiting for some day when the energy, the divine inspiration comes to get up and do something with them. Just like the clean laundry eventually mixing with the dirty, so goes thoughts mixing with emotions. The sorting process long and tedious until finally the towel is thrown into the washing machine, and everything is washed again. Forgiveness of the mind, soul, and emotional dirt. Wash away, and perhaps this time when the buzzer dings I might get to them while the thoughts are still warm, comforting, and easy to compartmentalize. But the laundry is never truly done.