Friday, May 27, 2016

Soon.....

I feel it.  You are not alone little ones.  The days are bright, warm and full of promise as you pull on your school uniforms, and step inside.  You are done with it, as am I.  We hold our breath and wait for summer vacation to begin.  I miss you while you are away from me at school and long for summertime adventures, no schedules, swimming, gardening, picnics and the ability to be spontaneous once again.  Be patient boys we are almost there.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Just the beginning of a thought, more to follow.

Thinking often and often late at night has become the rhythm of my nocturnal life.  Scrolling through a page with faces of my past, happiness or at least the appearance of it.  I am either more truthful or less happy now........  Honest assessment, and a plan to move on.  Self care is an elusive thing, I cannot seem to figure it out.  Mani's and pedi's just aren't my thing.  I know that I lack it, yet I don't crave it.  There has to be more then just consuming and grooming on the occasions that I do not have children.  It may be filling the void, but does not nourish the soul.  I look at the life I live and wonder how it appears to my children, what passions do they glean from me?  A tidy house, a prompt bedtime?  My soul withers if that is all my life conveys.  I used to be.........  More.  Now I am second in every way, and this is not the right way.  Give me water, bring me to life and I will pour that life into my children.  I used to think that I had to give up the things I love for the people I love.  But now I am starting to see that I merely need to take them on the journey with me.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

........................................

I have nothing to say, yet the word bubble up inside.  This drive to create, to speak, to act, when all else says "No".  In discovering the rhythm of the heart there is a choice............  To let it set the pentameter of your life or to keep it out of sync.   Things get better in time.  Or at least that is the hope.  I am tired of loosing people, but I know that the longer I live, the more I love, the more I will loose.  It is worth the risk, but difficult none the less.  I don't seek a life of comfort and security, tho it bays at my window.  Complacency knocking at the door, the american dream and all of its addicting qualities.  But it is nothing but lies and as I see humanity for what it is I know that the dream is false, a charade, dressed in sheep's wool.  Get away from me, let me see the world for what it is and with sober judgement cross the line.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Forever in our hearts..........

The lonely ballerina plays as I type.  It is haunting, achingly beautiful.  Sounding within a deep place of the soul.  The choreography across the piano keys, dancing, twirling around the melody line.  It only plays for a short time, but the mark is left none the less.  Moments that form memories, memories that form bonds, bonds that form relationships, and relationships create family.  His song is done, but the melody of his life lingers.  The beauty outweighing the dissonance.  The love keeping the bond.  Beyond death and the end of the song.  Forever in our hearts.  He was family, he was loved, he was a beautiful, tortured, dissonant melody leaving a mark that will not fade.  We love you Ben.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Hard choices.............

There are moments when choices must be made........  To lay down something that you love for something that you hope to love again.   It is a hard choice.  But I trust that God will meet me here, in this place of complete dependence on him.  I decided a month ago, but have waited till now so that I could tell the teens and my peers first.  I don't know what I was expecting as I typed the emails, something, anything I guess.  I got nothing, and I found that I had made the right choice.  Too many evening full, too many double bookings, too many no shows, too many teens looking up to me all the while feeling a fraud.  If you only knew how small my youth group is, how I struggle to get them to any events at all, I am not as awesome as you think.  Camp was the high and low this year.  I found myself wildly cheered for by 100 or so youth every time I went to the stage.  It unnerved me deeply, they don't know, not really.  And while I found it very lovely to be loved so well during that week, I knew it must come to an end.  The debate has been happening for some time in my head and heart, and finally twisting my ankle one day showed me how thin I was spread, and how easily I could come undone.  You can't pour yourself 100% into 2 ministries.  And the choice needed to be made, do I stop community living or step down from ministry for a time?  I chose the latter.  I do not know what this year will hold, but I will try to immerse myself in things that bring life and joy to me, trusting that God will meet me in this place, even if I don't know exactly where it is that I am.

Friday, September 4, 2015

The world is so big, and I am so small.

Article after article, post after post, heartbreak, soapbox's, lifestyles, crafts, ways of living...........  So many things, and only one me.  I want to do it all.  Be the crafty mom, the hot skinny mom, the artist, the leader, the humanitarian, the protester, the chef, the friend and housemate, the wife, the perfect human being.  Only I am not.  Not perfect and only one person.  I have tried, oh how I have tried.  To be all that we should be, but I am only one person.  The more that I try to do all the less I seem to do.  Butter spread across too much bread.  My heart breaks.  I read about the Syrian crisis and want to open my home, build bunk beds in every room, cook huge pots of beans and rice.....  But I can't, there is no physical way this can happen right now because they aren't here, they are over there.  So many things, the world is so big, and I am so small.  We anesthetize ourselves with media, videos, cat pictures, and small personal stories where we can pass judgement.  Nothing but diversion.  Apathy, denial, complacency.  Share and article about it and my job is done.  Nothing changes.  Slipping into doing nothing because everything is overwhelming.  The world is so big, and I am so small.  No more excuses.  Bloom where you are planted, touch the lives around you and let those in other places do the same.  Quality over quantity.  Because honestly if every human being simply poured into those around them the world would be a beautiful place.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

First day................

The twinge lessons with each child.  I remember Ezekiel's first day, waking early, picking the clothes, marking everything with his name including him.  I actually put tape on his collar with his name and bus number.  What is it with the first that makes it so important, so memorable, so very beautiful.  First time holding hands, first kiss, first home, first child, first loss, first fight.............  etched forever in memory.  Today was a first for Leif, yet I was so much more at rest.  The school is different, there is no busing, but the child is different as well.  I don't worry about him, he will be just fine.  This child is something special, loving, energetic, charismatic, well spoken, magnetic, athletic, and cute.  I don't know how I was gifted with such a child, but I will cherish him.  I don't worry about him, he will do well in life, but this summer I realized that if I am not careful I will loose him.  He is so good at everything, it is easy to not worry, focus, stress about him.  But he is still a child, my child, and I will grip him with an iron grasp.  Kiss him each night, tell him how much he is loved, and spend extravagant time with him.  Sit with him, read with him, play with him, snuggle with him.  Because even though I don't worry about him, I cherish every moment I get to spend with him.  Happy first day of school Leif.