Friday, August 21, 2015

Loved so deeply...........

The passion that Fern loves me with can at times be overwhelming.  Wanting no one else when I am around, clinging to me, crying for me, calling my name as Andrew carries her upstairs.  This season of life like all others will pass, I am consoled that some day she will not need me so very much.  But is that a consolation?  To be loved so deeply and completely, to be cherished above all else, to be sought after no matter what the cost.  One day she will not need me, will not want me, will not call out for me.  There will be a time where Leif will no longer make an excuse to come into our bedroom for more hugs and kisses before sleep.  There will be a time where Ezekiel no longer crawls into bed with me upon waking up for snuggles and "quality time".  One day they will see me for who I am, a flawed human being who makes mistakes, many of those while parenting them.  They will not be as quick to rebound from discipline showering me with hugs and kisses.  They will look at me as old, outdated, old fashioned.  My body will seem ancient to them, my standards archaic, and my hair a bad throw back.  They will fight me at times on the core of what we raised them to be.  There will be days when I look back on a night like tonight when my children needed and loved me so deeply and cherish them.  All the while hoping to some day be needed again. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Side by side

There is something about the quiet moments side by side.  The comfort and trust.  The complete comfort around each other.   The lack of need.  Need to entertain.  Need to carry the conversation.  Need to pretend.  Need to flatter.  Need to keep it going.  We are next to each other, sharing the same space, breathing the same air, loving the same children, ignoring the same clock, feeling the same fatigue from the same family vacation.  Unity in the silence, rest in the moment, love in the marriage.  Side by side to the end of our days, with no expectations, only appreciation.  Amen.

Friday, August 14, 2015


The surgery is good, helpful, therapeutic, and life giving.  But in the moments after the surgery, when the anesthesia wears off, there is the pain, the time to heal, to regaining of strength, and the need for help.  Recovery times seem to last forever but eventually the pain dissipates and function returns.  This does not mean that the process is over, now comes the time for building strength, becoming independence, and increasing range.  At times hard decisions are made, things must be set down so that focus on the therapy may happen.  Do we forever loose these things, or is it just for a time?  I don't know, but it is hard none the less.  I know that some time down the road it will be a benefit, but right now the anesthesia is wearing off.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Stepping out on the waters................

There is a bin in the basement, at the bottom right hand corner of some shelves in my unused pottery room.  The contents contain hope and frustration, longing and disappointment, dreams and reality.  Every woman has one who has ever dealt with the ups and downs of motherhood, the constant transitioning, the ever changing shape and form of life.  Fir 6 years it has been downstairs, come with me on the move, only to remain untouched.  Never mind the fact that I probably wouldn't even desire its contents to be used anymore.  They are outdated and old, yet I cling to them.  A talisman of sort that proves I haven't always been this way, I was once another person, another shape, another form, and led a very different life then I do now.  It was so easy after Ezekiel to glide back into life, to fit in, one child not making too many waves, portable, having less impact.  But after Leif I was forever changed, this little dynamo of a human being will not be ignored, he is memorable, loving, kind, energetic, and leaves a mark on your life that will not be erased.  Fern came and life got sweeter, I slowly am growing to except this new me, yet I still hold onto the bin.  I don't know if I will ever be a size 6 again, or if I would even want to wear these old things, you can be certain that if I ever achieved getting back down there that would want to celebrate with new things, fresh and exciting.  No the time has come to get rid of my "skinny clothes".  I used to view it as giving up hope, letting go of any possibilities of future relevance.  But I am clinging to the old version of myself and in doing this I am not making space for the new, the refreshed, the reborn.  I can never go back to who I once was and as long as I cling to that graven image there is no space for who I actually am now.  Giving up something that you have clung to for so long can be like loosing a friend, an identity, a beacon that you hope would return you safe.  But this is no longer my destination and so my beacon must change.  There is something about stepping into the unknown, with no familiar comfort to cling to, trust must be developed, old textiles cast away, new wine skins for the new wine.  I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, things have shifted, priorities have changed.  I am stepping out into something new, where there is no space for old things.  I made a decision recently that felt like throwing out everything I have been recently, a major part of my identity is now gone, and I am stepping out on the waters trusting that it will hold..........

Friday, August 7, 2015

Thank God we don't get what we ask for.

We will celebrate 13 years of married life this Tuesday.  We have grown together in such a way that I cannot imagine myself with anyone else, occasionally I look back at former crushes and thank God that I didn't get what I want.  How often does this happen where God refuses to give us what we ask for but rather gives us what we need.  Tonight at the dinner table I sat next to Leif as he begrudgingly ate the kale salad on his plate, he didn't see the nutritional value of what lay before him or that I was expanding his palate.  All that he knew was that if he didn't eat it he would have to go to bed.  A little harsh?  Maybe, but I stand behind it knowing that it is worth it to send him to bed once or twice in order for him to learn to enjoy foods that are good for him and for him to be grateful for what is placed before him.  If we are honest our base nature is a selfish one, and when given the chance we will choose what benefits us, this is the flesh.  Yet somehow we think that we are able to rise above this nature of our own initiative, to choose best.  Yet I still see women pass up good men for hot guys, I see people eating fast food (myself included) instead of beans and rice, I see people abusing their bodies, staying in unhealthy relationships, and making poor life choices all over the place.  We are run by our flesh, all you have to do is look at tithing to see where our hearts are at, if the church truly tithed 10% the face of the church would look very different.  But we don't, so it doesn't.  The way we spend our money says a lot about what we truly believe.  What would we do with what we ask for from God?  Unless there is a change of heart we will the same things we did before.  I thank God that I didn't end up with who I wanted, but rather got who I needed.  Any of you who know Andrew know how different we are, this is Gods grace.  We balance each other and sharpen each other.  Are there sparks?  Of course, but the refining process is good, only through Gods refining and conviction will the attitudes of our hearts change.  And once we are faithful in the little things, then we will be given not what we ask for, but what we need.  There are many things that have been placed in my life to steward, my marriage, children, friendships, finances, properties, ministry, gifts, physical abilities, this planet........  My only hope is that I steward them well.  Happy Anniversary Andrew, thank you for being what I needed.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

A God who moves mountains.

Moving mountains has never been my thing.  People say its all the rage, getting the big stuff taken care of, but for me it never happened.  You get used to the mountain, start enjoying the view, not realizing all that it is impeding, not allowing.  People say prayer moves mountains, but I have been one to wind through the switch back trails, the ups and downs, sheer edges, unseen turns, never knowing what to expect.  Or to tunnel under, moving earth and more earth so as not to disturb the giant.  Going out of your way to make it seem as nothing has changed.  But a mountain changes everything, the very landscape of your life, impeding your path, and stalling your destination.  I am tired of this mountain, it has no beauty, it was not carved by Gods hand but rather placed there with different design.  It is rubble, garbage, good intentions gone wrong, mindsets that wouldn't shift, it is full of attitude, unwilling to bend, shaped with all the mistakes that come with life and casts a shadow on the land.  I had become so accustomed to it, that when it began to shift I did not know what to do, but slowly it is coming down.  Piece by piece, bit by bit, and I am once again aware that I serve a God who moves mountains.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

What ifs at 1 am.

I am not sure if I am in the right mind to type right now, sleeplessness has once again over taken my life and all the social filters have been turned off.  The fact that myself unfiltered is a threat worries me, must I check myself at the door before entering civil conversation?  What if?  What if I want to speak my mind in a loud voice and have opinions that go against the social norm?  What if I do not follow PC rules?  What if I do not adhere to party lines?  What if, I am a blend of the left and right?  What if I am a feminist who values the life of the unborn?  What if I am a Christian who recognizes that I can not push my morality on an unsaved nation?  What if I love life?  What if I am willing to lay it down?  What if I refuse to take political sides?  What if I choose to follow the narrow path?  What if I choose to honor the promises I have made?  What if I find my identity beyond myself?  What if I do not look the right the way?  What if I am trying to love myself?  What if I second guess my parenting every day?  What if I miss the life I left behind?  What if I would never go back again?