Sunday, April 19, 2015
I have this deep desire to throw words at page and see what sticks. To unleash all the thoughts that mash around in this brain of mine, and speak the truth of what I feel. But I wouldn't. There are precious few who can withstand one of my tirades, and there is no space for my emotions. Perhaps one day, I will, if I dare, and if you dare. But that day is not today, and the space is not available.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I have come to this blank page several times in the last 2 months, it greats me coldly, daring me to type. I leave it there not having a spark of insight, no script of my life. Green things are springing up and so as the sun touches my pale face, leaving it with a strawberry glow, and life comes forth from the ground, I wait. I wait for the lifting of my shoulders, the raising of my eyes, expecting that the past season was the cause of all this whatever it is. But it has not come, and I realize that there are leftovers from years past and residual effects of having lived closely with so many people pressing down. All that is left is to relinquish the burden, but where to start the sifting, how to come out from under this load. Some things are clear, as I prioritize ministries and mission. Others not so simple, as it is the relational component. A basket too full of relationships that are imbalanced, mutuality is not there. Jesus had his 12 and of those his 3. Who are my 12? My three? I simply cannot continue pouring into relationships that do not reciprocate, it takes too much, and it is hard to be the one calling, tracking down, figuring out schedules, and making it work. Butter spread too thin across too much bread, and it is finally beginning to show. For some this may be simple, but for me it is far from that, as I have an affinity for people, and do not wish to leave anyone out. But I am looking for quality not quantity, and so I will let them sift themselves......