Monday, July 27, 2015

2 am

I have become well acquainted with this time of night as of late.  Sleep has never been easy, and has been growing increasingly more difficult.  It occupies my thoughts throughout the day but when my head hits the pillow I find my mind wandering.  Tonight is especially hard, it has been 6 years since Levi left us, and my sleepless mind drifts to him.  The last week was one of pouring out spiritually, emotionally and physically to an amazing group of teenagers.  By the end of the week sleep deprivation was hitting a new high and Friday night after I lay down I did not rise until 1 pm on Saturday.   I have moments of rest here and there, this weekend at a friends lake home was a much needed pause from humanity, finally by this evening I felt myself enjoying the moment, restful, peaceful, content.  Tonight my thoughts have been of how I wish I could linger a day or two more, breath deeply, pause and recalibrate my thoughts.  I remember after Leif was born going through a time where I was being touched and needed so much by my little men that come evening all I wanted was to sit alone with no one on me.  I had been touched out.  The break this weekend and lightness of my shoulders at being out of the city makes me wonder.  Am I touched out?  Living a life as we choose to live involves much humanity, our family, our housemates, our neighbors, our church, the youth group, mothers fellowship, our neighborhood.  Could it be that this extrovert has reached her population max?  There are many things that I have been debating as of late, one of which is taking a break from ministry.  Hitting pause and finding my emotional health again.  Things have been better as of late, but I find that disappointments seem to hit me harder.  When I used to brush off a no show Wednesday now I feel defeated.  When doing a VBS that is primarily our kids I wonder why this is and if my ministry will ever be more then being faithful in the little things?  Then something like camp happens where it is amazing, I feel respected and appreciated.  But this year instead of it reviving me I found myself angry.  Like a carrot was being dangled in front of my nose to motivate me for one more lap, one more year.  One thing is for certain I will not reach any kind of a conclusion tonight, and I am tired.  Please pray for me that I would seek wisdom in the next few weeks.  Good night.

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