Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Swimming to shore....

I probably need therapy....  Treading water, keeping my head above the waves, getting knocked down over and over, always surfacing and surviving, but never making it towards shore.  Lost in the abyss of expectations, giving away pieces of myself to any who demand my time while watching my family slip away.  I have always been a giver, a supporter, sturdy, but the cost is getting too high.  I feel trapped, trapped by obligation.  One person told me that I don't have to help people.  And she is right, I could just look out for myself, but I don't want to end up like that person.  Only looking out for myself, placing my needs above the needs of others.  If I didn't care about people it wouldn't be so hard.  But I do care, deeply......  And so I give, and give, and give till my hand is slapped away.  10 years of living in community, 10 years of giving, 10 years of expectations, of people getting angry at us for being human.  I chose this life, and continue to choose it.  I believe that it is a life worth living, even though it feels so hard on days like today.  I am not perfect, my children are not perfect, my husband is not perfect.....  We will fail you.  This drive for perfection in Christian leadership is stifling.  Everyone else can fall to pieces, but not you..... I look at my children.  Fern is in nothing but a diaper from nap time, pen on her legs and arms, messy hair, dirty face.  Yet as she sits in the sunlight watching her brother play with Lincoln logs I think that there is no one so beautiful as her.  She is completely lovely, griminess and all.  If only we could view ourselves and each other with such grace and compassion.  Am I okay?  Yes, I will be fine.  At this moment it is hard, but I am still treading water, and hopefully soon will begin swimming to shore.

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