Thursday, August 13, 2015

Stepping out on the waters................

There is a bin in the basement, at the bottom right hand corner of some shelves in my unused pottery room.  The contents contain hope and frustration, longing and disappointment, dreams and reality.  Every woman has one who has ever dealt with the ups and downs of motherhood, the constant transitioning, the ever changing shape and form of life.  Fir 6 years it has been downstairs, come with me on the move, only to remain untouched.  Never mind the fact that I probably wouldn't even desire its contents to be used anymore.  They are outdated and old, yet I cling to them.  A talisman of sort that proves I haven't always been this way, I was once another person, another shape, another form, and led a very different life then I do now.  It was so easy after Ezekiel to glide back into life, to fit in, one child not making too many waves, portable, having less impact.  But after Leif I was forever changed, this little dynamo of a human being will not be ignored, he is memorable, loving, kind, energetic, and leaves a mark on your life that will not be erased.  Fern came and life got sweeter, I slowly am growing to except this new me, yet I still hold onto the bin.  I don't know if I will ever be a size 6 again, or if I would even want to wear these old things, you can be certain that if I ever achieved getting back down there that would want to celebrate with new things, fresh and exciting.  No the time has come to get rid of my "skinny clothes".  I used to view it as giving up hope, letting go of any possibilities of future relevance.  But I am clinging to the old version of myself and in doing this I am not making space for the new, the refreshed, the reborn.  I can never go back to who I once was and as long as I cling to that graven image there is no space for who I actually am now.  Giving up something that you have clung to for so long can be like loosing a friend, an identity, a beacon that you hope would return you safe.  But this is no longer my destination and so my beacon must change.  There is something about stepping into the unknown, with no familiar comfort to cling to, trust must be developed, old textiles cast away, new wine skins for the new wine.  I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, things have shifted, priorities have changed.  I am stepping out into something new, where there is no space for old things.  I made a decision recently that felt like throwing out everything I have been recently, a major part of my identity is now gone, and I am stepping out on the waters trusting that it will hold..........


  1. My shape has shifted too. Get rid of those clothes!! It will be a burden lifted.

  2. I held on to my size tiny clothes for over ten years. Some were in the closet getting eaten by mice and moths. Some were in outside storage getting eaten by mildew. Sometimes I still will miss a certain piece of clothing, but it's all right.