Wednesday, July 8, 2015

If only....................

I got what I wanted.  This is it, the life I pined for in my early twenties, overtaken with romanticism and optimism.  I wanted a husband, children, to be a stay at home mom and to live in community.  But the romantic in me never saw the details, the day to day reality, the tole of events.  But perhaps every young person is fraught with the "If only" delusion.  If only I were married.....  If only I graduate college..........  If only I have kids......  If only I were a home owner.....  If only, if only, if only...........  Sorry to say honey but if you are jacked up before the "If onlys" no amount of these things will make it better, as a matter of fact they might make it worse.  Got body issues?  Try pushing out a few babies and then see how you feel.  Have a hard time keeping a budget, a house is a dream.  Look to relationships to fill the void?  What an unfair burden to place on a spouse.  You see I got what I wanted and whole lot more.  I got the muffin top (and while I love muffins, not this kind), I got the house full of life (and cheese wrappers, applesauce pouches, laundry and dishes), I am a homeowner (pain in the butt), I live in community (death by consensus), I got a great husband (who is human) and I stay home with the kids (I live in pajamas).  It doesn't look the way I imagined it, it doesn't feel like I have arrived or that I am suddenly fulfilled.  On the contrary I still deal with the same issues that I always have, only now I have a husband, 3 kids, and 7 housemates to reflect them back at me.  So why do I say all this?  I got what I wanted and still need something more, something that no "If onlys" will fix.  I am working on my stuff, but it is harder with the demands of life, family and community.  Only God can help me sort through the junk drawers of my life, but I do think that it may have been simpler if I had cleaned house before moving all these lives into mine.   I love my life, and I got what I wanted, but the work is not done.  So for those of you who are constantly looking to the "If onlys" in life to find meaning, please consider getting your crap in order before inviting other human beings into your mess. 

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