Saturday, July 26, 2014

Loving and Hating July

 Part of me hates July.  It leaves a sour taste in my mouth as I think of Joi and Levi.  I had forgotten exactly what day it was due to all the night driving, after waking from some much needed sleep I reached for my phone and took a quick glance at Facebook.  Levi was there.  July to me is like a slap in the face sometimes, today was one of those days.  I can handle many things, many tensions, much busyness, but the unexpected moments of grief are hard.  I will never understand Levi's death, or Joi's Suicide.  I know that people die every day and that tragedy is common.  We are a broken people and all over the world human beings hurt other human beings.  I need no more evidence of sin nature then to see the way we treat others.  Greed, gluttony, rage, vanity, sloth, avarice and envy.  But these people, these people were special to me and while academically I can grasp that we all die, emotionally I battle.  The roller coaster of events, emotions, with hardly a moment to breath leaves me with vertigo.  When I feel the room spinning out of control all that can do is hang onto what is solid.  I remember the day, I looked to my friends for support, many were busy, one left, they were not solid.  My family was reeling with grief themselves, we could not hold each other up, they were not solid.  I would have given away every earthly possession to bring him back, they brought no comfort and were not solid.  The one solid thing was what I wanted most to be angry with.  How could God let this happen? " This happens every day Sara all over the world."  But not to us.  "Yes.  All die."  I knew then that I needed God more then ever.  He was my only hope to see Levi again.  I wanted to be mad at God and so I clutched angrily to him.  Grappling with the realities of life as they struck my inmost being.  I hate you.  I need you.  Go away.  Don't leave me alone.  Death entered the world, we cannot live forever, all of us will die.  God saw this and had mercy providing a way and hope.  I have many friends who will disagree with this but I refuse to live an existence of futility and no hope.  I ache for those who have no hope.  I still grapple, still question, still challenge.  But my need for God is greater then my personal ego and I will cling to the one solid thing I know.  If I am wrong so be it, but I choose a life with hope for a better existence.  See you soon Levi.  I love you.

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