Friday, April 11, 2014
Lord save me from myself, my good intentions and misplaced emotions. The coffee is growing cold and my feet are warm under the covers. Handsome husband is gone for the night. Guy time, good times, essential. Looking forward to not making dinner, the nights I don't cook seem to bring the most excitement for the children. Hot and ready, cheap and packaged. Not made with love, but rather trying to make a buck using the least quality ingredients allowable and my children love them. It is okay, just like the pile of laundry on the couch is okay, and bordering on becoming installation art. Title "If its not in the main space then it doesn't bother me!". I have a prime view of this masterpiece from my bed as I type, color, shape, texture, and form. At least it is clean. New life came into the world today. Joy and unexpected sorrow. Life is funny that way, celebrating the new, remembering the lost. Lost lives, lost friendships, lost faith. Tomorrow we celebrate the undeniable fact that I am indeed inching closer to 40, and many friends will be there. Some are budding relationships full of possibility, and wonder. Still smitten, still wooing. Others the romance is dieing and I feel the need to fight for it. Relationship is a bitch. One day you are infatuated and the next deflated. So many people whose lives have intersected with mine, some very dear and long lasting. Others were a fling, emotional, and lacking depth. The one thing that we crave, were created for seems to be one of the hardest things to maintain. Mind you I am not a prize catch myself. Love you, woo you, completely available in the moment, but poor at the homework, the daily maintenance. I was the student who would ace the tests and not turn in the homework. I don't set out to mislead, I just don't function that way. Yesterdays birthday lunch out with with lovely ladies I received 3 meaningful cards and a gift. Yet I forgot to bring anything, I am good in the moment, bad in the maintaining. Lent is almost over and I look forward to the end of what has been an epic fail on the holiness meter. And yet it has been fruitful, in the failing day after day to control my flesh I see the need for someone greater then me. I am not being dismissive or fishing for compliments, but rather in somber reflection there has been this realization: I am not great. I do not want to be one of those people who thinks of themselves more highly then they ought. I can be a crappy friend, a stern mother, a quarrelsome wife, an opinionated daughter, and a forgetful member of society. There will be many wonderful women there tomorrow night, some look forward to it, others completely forgot it. Both are okay. And even though I am not that great, I will still fight for you, I will still love you and speak life to the dry bones of relationship. New life entered the world today, beauty, a new heart beat and soul. And I realize that life is good and worth fighting for. As is faith, and as are you. Because in the end the only legacy that we leave is the trail of lives that we have touched, birthed, and loved.